The Value of “Chosen” Family

Psychologist Abraham Maslow created a famous theory of motivation known as the “hierarchy of needs.” Typically depicted on a triangle with more foundational needs at the bottom, Maslow’s theory suggests that humans have several universal needs and these universal needs can be classified into the following categories: physiological, safety, love & belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. The theory suggests that humans must fulfill each of these stages in order to reach the top of the triangle and thereby achieve self-actualization or fulfillment of their potential. Maslow’s theory shows us that the need for love and belonging is in fact universal—Humans need to love and be loved. It’s similarly universal that many of us find this vital sense of love and belonging in our families of origin. However, not all of us have the privilege of existing within the support network of our biological family. This can be particularly true for members of the queer community who experience higher rates of displacement and rejection from our families of origin. These lived experiences and the intrinsic resilience of queerness have contributed to the need for the creation of new experiences of family.

One thing that doesn’t get talked about enough—family! isn’t! consensual! We typically learn about consent-based frameworks only in terms of sexual practices. But when you think critically about it, we didn’t get to actively choose the family of origin we were born into and therefore it might not even be the best fit or healthiest environment for us. In direct contrast, a chosen family is a web of relationships that are built around intentionality and freedom of choice. Much like the idea of informed consent, a chosen family is making an active decision about whom you’ll share access to yourself and your energy. One of the most beautiful things about being queer is being given the gift of creation--To create our own unique genders and sexualities, and we can also create our own unique concepts of “family” that go far beyond binaries and tradition.

Since being queer is all about getting to create your own identity, this can include creating your own values like family. Family can be defined however you conceptualize connection and shared intimacy.  In fact, a family doesn’t even have to be human! Many queers consider beloved pets to be part of their family (and this is just as valid). Keep in mind that it’s the component of enduring connection that’s crucial and there are no rules that say family must look a certain way or be based solely on genetics. Family can be found in online communities, sports clubs, social clubs, intimate partners, beloved pets, in the vibrant drag community, and many unexpected places in between. If you are queer, I already stand beside you as family.